‎"Things didn't go the way they were planned."

I would write it that way cuz it sounds good.
But the truth is.. There was no plan as such..
Despite that I saw something shatter into pieces.
How could I if nothing absolute ever existed,
but I wouldn't deny something did in the
blur of my denial. 
Although its obsolete now.

Which means there was something.. 
Lost in the difference between these two words, 
absolute and obsolete.

Slight difference in the spelling but a vast 
difference in the meaning. Which was lost
in denial. And it was in that moment of blur 
that I lost you.

And I could only distinguish that after the loss!
When I learnt the meanings of those words
I realized
what could be absolute was completely obsolete now.

I learn how much I love you.. more and more,
every time I describe what I lost.

BUT, When friends ask me to speak up, I say...
Things just didn't go the way they were planned.

monsoon never left, nor did hope

You are the prism that refracted me and split me into multiple reflections. I was not aware if it was even possible considering me being the ray of light which is an irony in itself. I scattered to explore my being, to acknowledge my existence, to believe the different possibilities i was capable enough to stretch to. Prism now seemed more like a diamond because, what it had given me was precious. It took the restrained and captivated me and hung me on the third bar. I felt like a kite flying high and the limitless sky started to seem as my territory. But true that it is be it bitter good things rarely last long. Its the same phenomenon as the change of seasons, its probably mandatory at least that is what I tell myself. But the twist in my story was that monsoon had never left, it was just one of days when sky clears out and everything starts to seem fresher and newer, yes it was like one of those days and I realized you were neither the prism nor the diamond, you were merely a drop amongst millions of other drops, and us meeting was just a coincidence I try to tell myself cuz the speed at which i was falling and the speed at which you were falling were way too different but it was fateful that we met, otherwise I would have never known that i was capable of emitting not just colors but a raibow that spreads all over the sky. I still remember your philosophy of love, you said love is momentary, well so was the day and hence the rainbow and i couldn't help but believe this to be LOVE. So, again I got summoned in gloom cuz the feeling of being capable of something so beautiful all thanks to you was so strong that I could never let go of it. That day after you left it rained heavily and many more days after that and the monsoon remained just as hope did of another such day when the sky would clear and I would meet some other drop just like you, that would refract me again. If you wondered why not the same drop then the reason is cuz I know I wont meet the same drop again but it will always remain as one of the best descriptions of my life. 
I live in the hope of another such experience, even though i will have to struggle to feel the same but i have to keep hoping cuz If this hope dies i will have nothing left worth living for any more.

Solitary Retreat

What people follow from my writings is that I write about you, But that is just how i mask it, there is more to what i write, there is more that i just hide, and  the truth is that people have nothing to do with my writings, only you do cuz they are written to you. I write to you and let it fly like a wish from the eyelash hoping that it reaches you, but don't want you to find me or see the look on your face while you are reading it so i disappear in the crowd, its I who has been hiding and still continue to hide. And i will continue to keep hiding till you find me cuz i long for that.

And there are even times when i write and don't let my words fly still i want you to know, but i know its just not possible, so i store it in my solitary retreat, the only place i can vent from time to time. Its my secret hiding place, which i long for you to find.

"a question unaswered"

a conversation between me and my friend which happened to rhyme....courtesy Deepmala Dutta

Me - what should one do NOW if questions like - "is this what i want to do?' arise.. I get startled

Friend - stop thinking.... you are a designer.noboundaries..do anything you want...design a plane or paper bag doesn't matter

Me - its a little different this time.

Friend - as in?

Me - maybe i hae crossed the line.

Friend - is it that you dnt want to design?.. become an engineer?

Me - :\ don't ask!

Friend - asking...

Me - i see something shining from the corner of my eye,
i dont wish to keep looking behind,
strings attached tied to the ground,
i want to fly, way up there i could scream my heart out,
and still there wont be any sound.

Friend - poet?

Me - i wont say!
its been in grave,
but sometimes
dead rise to haunt,
that is what it is.

Friend - say naa..

"The question remains unanswered  and it still continues to haunt"

sweet scent 'o' memories

I try to reach you
in the lyrics of the
songs i listen to
Browsing through the
playlist on my phone
we even spend some time
I suddenly smile when
someone is speaking to me
cuz i get drenched
in your memory
And i feel our silence
communicate in every
word i write
I adapt to your habbits
whenever you are not around
cuz it makes me want to smile
And i dont even leave
the left over ice
for it makes that soft crushing sound
So again i get drenched
in the soft rain of your thoughts
which always fills me up with joy
Its then that i see you smiling wide
and you make me want to smile
I like getting drenched in your memory
cuz then i can smile all day while

Just these shades...

a splash of color stretched vividly,
not on an empty canvas
but on an art piece in shades of grey,
either extremes possible,
but the best written in fate,
adding a surreal meaning to this colorless truth,
turning it into fiction,
into a beautiful composition indeed,
both so amused with life,
just with company high is attained,
a relative quotient that multiplies,
when brought togather,
cuz you are the best company ever,
and the timid selves that we are,
is a mutual substance,
that gets us to back each other for support,
i say its magical and its best,
cuz its mutual and its unsaid,
its nice when we just play all the time,
i throw words you create rhyme,
pick a beat tap the ground,
step ahead with the sound,
and dance our heart out,
feels like just hallucinating,
to be able to surpass the world around,
this all must seem redundant,
but to me this just isn't enough,
to be able to share the joy of this day,
the joy of your presence,
of your existence in my life,
just these are the shades that color my frame,
and thats all this day is about for me,
happy birthday koodi sonpapdi.

Feedback..

When you showed me the kind of connection you have had

and the kind of relation you share with them - you asked me for a feedback

"what could have i said, its difficult to put few things in words"

finally this is what i could say

i'll  explain  you  with  an  example

example  of  me,  after  what  i  saw

a  treasured  memorandum

an  adventuruous  journey  of  ur  life

i  feel  a  brute  fruition

in  a  hollow  space  inside

which  has  shrunk  my  heart  even  more

cuz  i've  realized  what  a  dead  soul  i  am...

i  try  to  recall  if  i  have  ever  connected  that  way..

i  wanted  to  connect,  there  was  a  need  to  connect

so  i  did,

to  fiction,  to  dreams..

i  literally  lived  in  a  virtual  world..

what  connection  i  saw  was  a  devine  connection

something  which  i  really  look  up  to  now  and  even  wonder

"how  does  it  feel  to  connect  with  real  people?"

have  i  even  known  that  feeling???

"its  a  big  hint  to  do  i  know  how  does  it  feel  to  connect  with  real  people"

all  these  people,  whatever  idea  they  have  about

each  other  and  friendship  is  because  they  got  to  know  you.

"i used to close my eyes to real things, but now i dont" -

cuz i know that you are real